There’s no getting around this by avoiding attendance
You will have to attend at least one funeral
Before leaving this earth
Before your body goes to the worms
Or your ashes get spread somewhere important to you
So it’s advisable that you get in a little practice
If not for the sake of appearances
For the sake of promotion
The penetrating question is always
Who will attend your funeral
Come early before the others arrive
Hang out in the lobby or foyer
Act like you have been there for hours
Say that you must be going, and say
Something nice about the deceased guest of honor
If you arrive late act as if you were detained
By a most pressing urgent matter
That you still have to attend to
Say that you must be going, and say
Something nice about the deceased guest of honor
If pressed into giving the eulogy be as unspecific as possible
Verify whether you’re speaking about a man or a woman
Say that they were loved/admired/respected
And that they will certainly be missed, especially by you
Be sure to get their name right
If you go out to a graveyard
Act very sad and solemn
If you attend a farewell dinner
Be sure to eat well, and say
“This is a celebration of a life.”
When suffering funerals always remember:
Death does not require that a life be celebrated
Death is the ending of a life and nothing more
If there is anything at all to celebrate
Celebrate the fact that you are still alive
Artwork by: Edouard Manet
